5 Years On I Have Learned So Much

I will be honest. This is a knitting blog first and foremost, and there has been a dearth of knitting lately. A few stitches here and there, a handful of spinning, but nothing photo worthy. Not that there has not been lots going on, just no knitting. Without knitting to share, it is hard to want to post. I do not generally use this blog as a place to spout off my inner thoughts, you know?

This week is a hard one. Only five years ago, I came home from an SCA event, woke up late on a Sunday morning, and heard the words that shattered my world. Andie was dead. The pain and sorrow and guilt and rage that followed in the days, weeks, and months afterwards left me emotionally altered. I almost felt physically altered. Byram was. I know that sounds like high melodrama, but it is the absolute truth. He developed a shock of gray hair not long after Andie’s death.

Our world was rocked and our priorities were readjusted. In the same instant, the SCA became much less important and even more important than ever, because suddenly, the dramas no longer mattered, but we could not have made it through without our chosen “family;” SCAdians we loved and who loved us enough to help see us through and give us space when we needed it too. The e-mail list dramas were pathetic and easily ignored after Andie died. The personal dramas became minor. It was so easy to see how those little things that once would have been major dramas really meant nothing.

But the friendships we had meant everything.

Five years on, most of those people who were there for us in the days after Andie’s passing barely touch on our lives anymore. That dawned on me today. The people who helped us reclaim the house after 7 solid weekends on the road to help prepare for an onslaught of guests are no longer close with us anymore. We rarely ever see or speak to the guys who stayed with us the rest of the week after the funeral.

After 10 years in, I recognize this as the normal, transient cycle of the SCA. Friends come. Friends go. Sometimes they just slip away, as my dearest friends from my earliest days mostly have just slipped away into inactivity and negativity. Sometimes there is a violent physical break, whether in death, changed circumstances, or living arrangements. Sometimes a rift simply develops and friendships are sundered by a lack of understanding and communication. The rift can occur loudly, violently, and publicly, or it can occur silently and almost imperceptibly over a period of years.

This is normal. It is probably even “healthy” though, for today anyway, it does not feel that way. I have been around now long enough to know that the people you are “family” with today will not necessarily be the same people who are your chosen family in 5 years. The few who last are precious indeed and those friendships should be very carefully cultivated and cared for.

Our day has been muddled with high tension and drama, sadly. There are forces afoot we should have foreseen but, at least I was somewhat unprepared for. Maybe I can blame the mischievous impending full moon. Maybe the last straw was simply laid on the pile. Maybe it is like an earthquake, where tension and pressure builds and builds until finally, some small action occurs and all hell breaks loose.

Whatever the case may be, in a week of emotional turmoil and remembered pain, another layer has been added. My wish is for healing, communication, and smoothing over real or perceived insults and hurts, though that is not how I anticipate things turning out.

I suppose that today marks the turning of a page and another chapter beginning. Think kind thoughts for Byram and me this week. It threatens to be a tough one.

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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Kitty on April 28, 2010 at 8:35 AM

    ((((Hugs!))))

    Reply

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