So Damn Sad

I don’t really believe you can knit emotional “energy” into an item, but I do believe you can come to associate emotions with something you have knit.

This week has been hell. Work has been awful; soul-eating, stomach clinching, mud slinging, plain and simply awful.

But there was a worse aspect of my week. A beloved friend who has been fighting cancer for 10 years began her final descent Sunday evening. I picked up my knitting needles about the same time and started on the Catspaw Lace pillow from A Gathering of Lace.

Throughout the week, I was getting 2 and 3 times a day updates on her ups and downs. Last night’s update was great; she was feeling better, was going to move to a room out of ICU, and if we wanted to send care packages, warm and soft things like socks and scarves would be appreciated. I went to bed hopeful enough that I started planning a scarf. Hope was in the form of something soft and warm and full of love. I went to bed full of hope.

When my phone rang at 7:15 a.m. this morning, I knew in my heart what had happened. Byram’s phone was ringing off the hook downstairs. I missed my call; got to the phone after it quit ringing. I lay back in bed with my husband, awake, praying, hoping that it could have been a wrong number, a call to tell me not to come into work for some reason, anything other than what I knew the call was.

Courtney passed away early this morning.

Click click click went my needles. Any time I wasn’t working today, I was knitting that stupid pillow. It is hard to knit lace through tear-blurred vision, but the cats are slowly beginning to appear and my ball of handspun has shrunk to nothing.

I am growing to hate this pillow. All my stress, worry, and now relief-tinged grief has been poured into that lace and I cannot wait to finish it just so I never have to touch it again. It will go to my grandmother for Christmas, and I wonder if I will hate looking at it if it graces her couch.

I am so damn sad.


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Kristin on July 18, 2009 at 12:11 PM

    I am reading your blog through Ravelry so you don’t know me from Adam but I wanted you to know you have my sincere condolences. I lost both of my Grandmothers recently and I remember the dread of those phone calls. The memories of the happy times you had with Courtney will get you through the next few days. I’m sending you electronic hugs. Hang in there.


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