Turning In

No pictures today. I left the camera at home. Sorry.

I have so much I want to tell you today, Dear Blog; so much on my mind. I have spent all day trying to figure out a good order and what I should and should not discuss.

This weekend, a long finished project, a shawl, was delivered to its long-planned owner. She is a beautiful woman who has been ravaged by cancer, and her fight is winding down. I have had the shawl ready since mid-December. I have known she was terminal since October. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to pack the shawl up and send it to her. When we were in the same place at the same time, this weekend, I didn’t even have the courage to give it to her personally. Byram did it for me. She did come and thank me briefly later, confined by her illness to a wheelchair.

From roughly Valentine’s day until Memorial day, I enter a strange period of mourning. The pain of losing Andie to Addison’s in April 2005 has become entwined with all of the emotional upheaval of that Spring. My loss of a job, combined with the Roses Challenge that began the second weekend of February, then the loss of Andie, and ending with the Final Challenge on Memorial Day weekend, are all wrapped into one long memory in my mind. Intense loss and pain combined with equally intense joy and pride, and the combination was imprinted into my psyche like a chemical burn and the scars that remain prickle a good deal at this time of year as a result.

Facing another loss this Spring is pricking at those memories and it hurts. I confess that much.

Lent begins next week. I really love the season of Lent. There is so much deep and honest ritual that brings me deeply into my faith, and I do a great deal of naval gazing and soul-baring during Lent. The last two years, I feel I have fallen a bit away from the core of my faith and I want to use Lent this year to draw myself back in. I plan to really give myself over to self-denial, to the ritual of fasting and prayer and almsgiving.

I have decided to give up alcohol for Lent, like I do most years. It is my intention to do some vigorous fasting along with prayer. I plan to pray the rosary again every night before sleep. And my almsgiving will be in the form of the Vernal Equinox Shawl. Once it is complete, sometime late in March, I am going to offer it as a sort of “auction” on my old blog to my friends. I will start the bidding at $28 dollars, which is the age Andie would have been on her birthday on May 12th. Bidding will go on for four days, four being the number of years we have been without Andie now. If anyone actually bids on it and buys it, for whatever they do pay for it, I will donate that amount to the National Adrenal Disease Foundation in her memory.

In less introspective news, I started the Broadripple socks for my mother. I wanted to do a chevron pattern and have been designing my own when I realized what I had was a single pattern stitch away from being Jaywalker socks, so for some reason, I let that go and decided on Broadripple instead; I am using Berroco Sox and I didn’t like the initial color shift. My mind has been changed as the color progression has begun to spiral around the leg. Just wait until I get pictures…craaaazy.

Finally, a massive bald eagle flew over us as we drove across the James River this morning. He was stunning. It always seems that when I see a beautiful bird of prey, something good is going to happen. My fingers are crossed that my bald eagle was a sign of something good to come.

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